Hello Prof Jorge,
Sending on both emails, thanks and have a nice weekend.
Reflection Paper 1 – Defining Moments
Making a decision was only the beginning of things and living alone started the twist of what I call life. It made me aware of who am I before, who am I now and who I want to be in the future. With this reflection, I understand myself, the way I dealt with situations and what should be changed.
I was born in semi middle class family, both my parents have college degree and earned sufficiently. My father was a Policeman while my mother was an Accountant. When I was young, we had our own house and cars but we lose all of that because of my father's fondness in cockfight. My mother used to took care of all the bills and our necessities with her own salary. She must be tough. I had four siblings. Being the third, I had the middle child syndrome that yearned for attention. Compared to them, it was hard for me to ask for stuff.
My eldest sister and I used to quarrel a lot, when my parents confronted us, I can't kept my mouth shut. It was too late when they found out that it wasn't my fault. I was kicked out and sent to the province where my grandparents reside. In my Elementary, I was juggled from Pasig and Nueva Ecija. From Grade 1 – 3 in Nueva Ecija, Grade 4 in Pasig, Grade 5 in Nueva Ecija and Grade 6 in Pasig. In the province, I lived together with my cousins. I was so envious because they are with their family. I felt abandoned. At Grade 6, I thought maybe if I would guard my emotions, my family would want me back.
During High School and College, I observed myself doing things independently. I asked money from my parents, it would happen only once a week and what was given to me would be budgeted including my basic necessities. Unlike with my sibling, I didn't study in private school. I went to Polytechnic University of the Philippines. My reason was for my parents not to be burdened financially. On the hindsight, I just want to be appreciated.
I was on my third job when I decided to live alone. I was so pissed off with my parents, I couldn't remember why, maybe I was just stubborn and if I stayed it would have blown me out. I didn't do it because I could but because I wanted to save myself from yearning for sympathy, which made me feel very sorry for myself.
All the way from North to South, I'm living now near my workplace in Las Pinas where I am responsible of everything - including the bills and I must say it was hard! In my first year, all my salary would be reserved for home appliances and furniture. The young girl who loves to go shopping, dining out on fancy restaurants and partying the night out has been gone. I love to travel but this time if it was for leisure, I just can't spend money for that. I experienced living from paycheck to paycheck but still I never missed on giving the expected financial contribution to my family. I decided to live alone but not to the point that I forget that my family still needs me. Being away, I didn't still get the sympathy that I'm longing for.
I wake up each morning looking for something to strive because life's becoming so mundane. After a year that I have my budget and sanity in hand, I started to go out again and meet people from different walks of life. I realized that there is a different world, a place where I needed to be confident with myself. Otherwise, it will eat me out alive. After years of exploring life alone, I decided to share it with other people. But as the saying goes anything that's not authentic can't stay consistent in one's life - it has to fall away at some point. I got the sympathy I wanted but it wasn't for long. This time I felt so lost and I didn't know how to bounce back. Others will find me always laughing and positive in life yet I can't contain the emptiness I feel inside.
I felt so alone, I was staring at the ceiling of my room with no one to talk to. I don't know what I'm doing with my life or where I'm heading to. I have my life planned out but in a blink of an eye everything seems so gloomy. This living with no one else is a crap; I can't find comfort with myself alone. I went home and blurted all my frustration with my family. To my surprise, I felt the sympathy I'm longing for so long. They are just waiting for me to open up and let my guard down. They are not comfortable on giving advice because they see that I'm doing well with my endeavor. Unlike with my siblings they didn't give me much because they know I'll always be able to make ends meet. I was so strong and confident with myself that I can do a thing which they can't add compassion to it. They don't talk emotional things with me because when they see me sad they always find me locking in a room and be good after that. I realized that it wasn't bad opening yourself at times because that's when you'll find people who care enough.
My family is just waiting for me and I realized that I no longer have to face the life alone. I love talking to them now, we go out once in awhile and this time no one is left behind. It was really nice seeing your family that they are waiting and serving you when you get home on weekends, being asked how my week has been. Now they are aware of what I'm doing so they are eager to know more my whereabouts.
What is the new learning? What is the relation to what I already know? What have I done, am doing, will be doing for this topic?
This reflection paper has been a challenge to understand myself, my moods, and the reason why I'm afraid to open up. Except with my family, I'm not an emotional person. As a Leader I must be compassionate, I must able to understand others demeanor. I must see things in a different perspective and have consideration. I must show positive loving attitude towards others.
Now I realized what I really want in life. I've become aware that I'm good but I have to be better so I need not to be complacent. I found myself stepping on a new journey, this time being a student again. It is so overwhelming at first, since MBA was really a different field and I'm not into talking much as to what I'm doing as an Engineer. I maybe stubborn on my defining moments, but this experienced taught me that I have so much in the future. As a Leader, I should be responsible on developing myself. I could still be ambitious and strive to be an inspiration to others, being affirmative to the end of this journey..
At times I react too quickly; I failed to comprehend what's right and wrong. As a Leader, I should show respect and humility to opinion of others. I must trust them and know how to delegate challenges and equip them to take a lead.
I became mindful with my strengths and weaknesses; I can't be successful with myself alone. I needed the people around me. I should build rapport to them. I must establish direction and not to lose in the process. As a Leader, I had to be grounded with a vision and be always motivated.
I'm learning now to express my thoughts and emotions. I might fall hard again but this time I believed it is not God's plan for my life yet. I might be at the start, in the middle but never at the end. I shouldn't stay stuck and always seek to do something different. As a Leader, I'm no longer anxious with change and uncertainties.
Regards,
Leader Rachel Lopez 3
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