Dear Sir,
Sending the updated/revised reflection paper, for your perusal.
Thanks and kind regards,
Leigh 4
Leighna Katrina Sitoy-Abarquez Leadership – MM
25 September 2015
"There are significant human experiences in our lives that give us those opportunities to step up to certain challenges, and be catalysts for change."
My father has sort of "brainwashed" me, albeit in a good way, living through these words growing up. Understandably, he is a politician, or as he would often correct me, a public servant.
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One childhood experience I had that made an impact to me was when my father decided to bring the entire family to Cebu (from Manila), when he ran (and won) for Mayor in our town. That was in 1996. I was in third year high school then. I could not fully comprehend his reasons. I even thought it was just plain selfishness. I remembered asking him why he cannot just be contented with just being the head of our household. And his reply was, "there's more to life than just us." He would say, "opportunities are but fleeting moments, you have to be very mindful and open to see these as they come, and to be able to turn these opportunities, be it easy or difficult, as means to make yourself and the people around you, grow and live to their full potential."
I grew up in a political family. Some would see it as a curse, some as a blessing, some as a very big responsibility. I would say, it's a mix, but a good mix, depending on how I've perceived it through the years. When I was younger, I hated the publicity, I hated the "superficial aspects" of Philippine politics—oh yes, I had my fare share of song and dance numbers during election period! Those superficial activities, I think, up until now, will sum up to be the "curse" and dreadful part. However, through time, I am now beginning to realize, and see what my father has always wanted me to see with the work he does. Growing up in a political family is a very big blessing that also carries an even bigger responsibility. There were big sacrifices we took, as family. Time with the family lost because of some other community affair. PTA meetings that were missed because of some calamity that had to be attended to first. Even financial constraint was something we also had to contend to.
Do I give politics a try? I couldn't say, for now. I've been trying to be active in pro bono services, and volunteered in the Ateneo Clinical Education—that's a good start, I suppose. I guess these are little steps in proactively using my skills and talents to change people's lives as well. Not as big as leading a town or representing a political district, but I believe that helping one person, creates ripple effects to others. After all, no help or guidance is ever small enough.
***
"Leaders make themselves and other comfortable in changing the world."
(p. 29, Lowney, Chris, Heroic Leadership, 2003 ed.)
***
I passed the Ateneo Law Entrance Exam, I should be very happy. Of course, I was closer to my dream of being a lawyer. But, no, I was confused, scared and restless when I found out I passed. A couple of days prior to the release of the results, I receive an ever more significant life-defining result. I was pregnant at 21! I knew I couldn't be pregnant while in 1st year law! I withdrew my application, only to be told that I should re-take the exam again next year, if I want to enroll next year! For a time there, I thought, I just threw my chances of becoming a lawyer.
Expectedly, I sulked, felt bad, cried, not to mention gained considerable pregnancy weight. But, the miracle of it all, was when I saw my daughter, Simone, for the first time, beautiful and all, my perspectives changed. For the first time in my life, I thought, I had someone who fully depended on me for everything. That moment, when I first held Simone on the 29th of January 2003 at 12 noon, I knew I had to "step up to the challenge"… I knew that, I had an opportunity to make a difference to someone's life.
A few days after giving birth, I took the Ateneo Law Entrance Exam again. I found out that I passed a few months after. I brought Simone with me to Manila, and went on to fulfill my dream—this time not for my own satisfaction, but with the hope of giving Simone a better life should I become a lawyer. It was not easy!
Being a mother and a law student is not exactly the ideal situation, but as a leader to my child, I had to learn to be flexible and to rise above the situation. I had to learn the value of time management and discipline. For starters, I've managed to perfect the skill of putting Simone to sleep by reading Supreme Court cases to her instead of children's story books! Simone grew up with high lighters and law books by our bedside!
Surely, there were times, I felt like giving up. But, I knew I could not. Giving up was not an option I could take. I just couldn't face my Simone and tell her I quit because it was difficult to juggle motherhood and law school. Instead, I wanted Simone to learn the value of perseverance and resilience, and how to "roll with the punches". Because, at the end of the day, life never goes the way we always plan it to be. The learning comes when we are able to turn road-blocks into opportunities to improve, to better ourselves, so that we can make big U-Turns back to the goals we've had in the first place.
I graduated with honors at Ateneo Law. My daughter was beaming with smile when she walked up the stage with me. She was 4 years old then. I still recall her sweets words to me as we walked up the stage, "We did it, Mom!", she kept saying repeatedly. Fittingly, the dean gave the diploma and my medal to her! At that moment, I knew, and I reassured myself, the opportunity to become a mother, single mother at that, no matter how difficult it was then, was the best avenue to bring out the leader in me, and the leader out of Simone. Simone is 12 years old now. Very intelligent. Resilient. Hardworking. Patient and kind.
I really hope that, by my sheer determination and resilience when I was in law school, she was able to learn, by my example, and take those learning with her as she strives to reach her own dreams as well—bearing in mind, that life is never a bed of roses, but always a learning process, and I continuously hope and pray that, like me, she's able to learn to see beyond the thorns.
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"I do." Two words, means a lifetime. When I married my husband, I knew I was taking on a defining moment in my life. Marriage is, after all, a milestone where one gets out of his or her comfort zone. Marriage is giving oneself to help your spouse grow. Marriage is a constant work in progress.
Some would say that it must be very difficult for two lawyers to be married. I don't necessarily agree. I'm married to one, and I'm perfectly happy and contended. While both of us are very opinionated, strong-willed, determined—we both value each other's opinions. We treat each other equally, no role-playing. I don't tell my husband, you should do this because you're the father, and I can, as well, expect him to do house chores without complaints. We take turns attending PTAs, depending on our schedule. We take turns giving our 5 year old a bath. We take turns tutoring our 12 year old, I do English, he does Math. I guess, what I really wanted to say is that, one leadership skill that our marriage has taught me is to learn to cooperate, adjust, and respect those that are part of your team. I want to see my marriage as a team of two individuals, with different personalities, but sharing the same goal—of keeping the family intact, and raising God-fearing, emphatic, resilient children. One cannot function well, without the other. No one role is less important than the other.
***
"leaders thrive by understanding who they are and what they value, by becoming aware of unhealthy blind spots or weaknesses that can derail them, and cultivate the habit of continuous self-reflection and learning…" (Lowney, Chris Heroic Leaderhip, p. 27, 2003 ed.)
When we found out my second baby had a congenital problem when she was 3 months old, I felt my world just stopped.
At 3 months old, my daughter, Eloise, was diagnosed with Vesicoureteral Reflux (VUR) – Grade V on her right bladder. VUR is a congenital defect in the bladder where there is an abnormal flow of urine from her bladder back up to the urethers, and then to the kidneys.
From three to seven months, Eloise had around eight UTIs, four of which were severe that required at least two weeks hospitalization each time. The cost for the hospitalization was huge each time. Because of several breakthrough or recurring UTIs, Eloise's doctors suggested that we considered surgical uretheral re-implantation at once. Eloise's doctors advised that waiting longer increased her chances of further kidney damage. The cost for the surgery was equally draining.
After much deliberation, prayers, opinions from doctors, Eloise had her operation when she was 8 months old. That moment, when I was waiting by recovery room for her to be wheeled in, that moment—I became so "self aware" of my weaknesses, and how fragile life can be, and how much we should try to always work only towards those that really matter.
Eloise's journey to health, was such a humbling experience. It helped me learn how to trust the Lord, see the goodness in other people, to trust in my good judgment and conscience, to value the importance of family, to be open-minded to the suggestions of others, and to be more courageous. I apply these virtues even with my work, and with the colleagues and clients that I deal with every day.
With Eloise's sickness, I was able to experience both the real joys and pains of parenthood. I realized then that our legal and moral authority over our children has its limits. That is, our parental authority is limited, to a large extent, by that corresponding duty to act in the best interest of our children at all times. Thus, in deciding whether to pursue a medical treatment, consideration should be made on the doctors' advice, available clinical studies, historical health and well-being of the child, as well as the doctors' opinion regarding the possible complications versus the benefits that will be derived from the medical intervention. If it would appear that, after a careful review of all the alternatives, the benefits outweigh the costs, and this consideration is supported by medical/clinical studies on the matter as confirmed by experienced doctors, parents should have a strong moral compulsion to consent to the doctors' advice and recommendation.
Eloise is now 5 years old. Very Healthy. Happy. Intelligent. Loving. Strong-willed. Fearless.
I still don't know what lies in store for Eloise a few years from now, or what the long-term effects of her kidney damage will cause her in the future. Doctors advised that this time around, we can patiently wait.
As parents, my husband and I try to remove all the worries of Eloise's sickness from our children's minds, and just strive to enjoy the family, savor the closeness we've developed, and rely on the comfort of the trust we've nurtured for one another.
My husband and I continue to pray each day for our children's good health, but more importantly, we pray, even more, for the wisdom to be able to make the right decisions for them—that is an even more difficult task to face, because our children rely only on our judgments, and hope that we decide always with their best interest in mind. After all, they expect and deserve nothing less than that.
***
What are my new learnings? / What is the relation to what I already know?
To be honest, I didn't realize how these events affected me, and continue to affect how I think and decide present situations, until we were asked to do this exercise for class. I used to take these events in isolation, unrelated, and disconnected.
Through this exercise, I was able to understand the interplay of these events. I'm beginning to see, that there are some situations in my life that shaped me as a person, not only in how I deal with people close to me, my family, and friends, but also with my career and the clients I work with.
As I tried to look back and reflect, I realized how each event seemed like jigsaw puzzles of me, my personality, and the person that I am now, and the person that I still strive to be. To be sure, there's a truth in the saying that, everything that happens in our lives, even the hope-shattering ones, should always have a reason. Difficulties and challenges are there to mold us, to make us better versions of ourselves. However, it's really up to us to transcend the situation, and to look beyond the difficulties, and see these as opportunities to grow, as a person, and as a leader.
So, in sum what have I really learned from these events in my life?
1. Defining moments shape us. These events happened for a reason. Defining moments shape us to be good persons, to be good leaders, if only we accept these events positively, and proactively.
2. Servant Leader: Being a good leader, requires a great deal of sacrifice, and self-giving. There were moments lost with my dad growing up because he had to attend to so many activities in our town. Time lost with him required sacrifice and understanding from us. But, dad never made us feel left out. Now, I understood why he would bring us to his feeding programs, medical missions, meetings with brangay tanods, meetings with youth leaders, attending funerals and wakes, visiting sick people in the hospital, and the like—he wanted us to be involved, and to understand the value of the sacrifices we all make. He wanted us to see how important it is for him that his children understood the value of community service, and showing genuine concern for the welfare of people around you. When you are a leader, you have to give your time, effort, and energy to heed the call of your team.
3. Public service = leadership; True, earning a living is necessary to survive, but I believe that compassion and service to others, even without monetary rewards, can make us more fulfilled in the long run.
4. Leadership requires discipline, perseverance, determination, and resilience to overcome challenges. Difficulties and road blocks should not be hindrances to meeting our goals. These are just setbacks that we can, if we try and persevere, surpass. Our plans will not always work the way we expect them to be. There may also be new developments that will require us to change course, a bit. But, a true leader should be flexible, and find ingenious ways to adjust to the situation, without losing sight of the real goal. Accordingly, a good leader should also learn to accept to change the goal, when this no longer proves feasible because of the change in circumstances.
5. Leaders are team players. My marriage works because my husband and I work as a team. I treat my clients as "business partners"—and I see to it that my advice is able to effectively answer their business concerns. Leaders adapt.
6. Leaders should be self-aware of his or her own weaknesses, and improve. Leaders should learn to accept our weaknesses, and continuously strive to overcome them. When my daughter got sick, it was a realization to me that there are some things in my life that I could not control, and to just let things run its own course. I learned to let go of my fears, to take risks, and to make courageous decisions, if only, for the benefit of all concerned.
7. Leaders trust and respect the opinions of his or her team. When my daughter got sick, I learned to take the opinions of others and consider them in my decision-making. I learned to recognize that mine was not the only opinion that mattered. I still and do practice this now—and the more I practice this, the more I realize that when the opinions of all stakeholders are considered, we come up with the best decisions.
What will I do regarding the topic?
I should continue to practice the good values that I've learned through these experiences.
However, from time to time, I should also pause, look back, recollect, and re-assess my life, my experiences, and how I decided and approached each of the challenges I've encountered. And always ask myself in the process, "should I have done any better?" This continuous self-assessment, I suppose, will help me remain grounded, and to stay the course—and would somehow, help me define, and/or redefine my set of personal values and check if these are still aligned with my personal priorities. After, all, leadership (whether in our personal or professional life) is a process, it is hard work, and is a continuing learning experience—never stagnant, always a work in progress.
4 VG. Great Story. Great Reflection. The last part of the paper counts heavily. Thanks>
4 VG. Great Story. Great Reflection. The last part of the paper counts heavily. Thanks>
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