Regis Cebu Leadership
Leader Melissa Abarrientos
Reflection paper 1 – Definign Moments
That was June of 2006 when I decided to move out from our house. I quit law school and courageously traveled to a place where everyone was a stranger. I never knew this decision would become my defining moment.
I only had Php 5000.00 in my pocket for my fare to Cebu, room rental, transportation while I'm still looking for a job, and food. Luckily, I found a job after a week of stay but I didn't receive my first salary until after a month and a half; and because my budget was too tight I only had to set aside Php 10.00 a day at most for my food. There were several occasions I could really feel my stomach begging for food but I cannot go beyond my budget. Fare was my most important commodity. I need to work and I need to get to my office for the succeeding weeks. Fortunately, our office offers unlimited free coffee that often saved me from my pangs of hunger.
I never told my mother of my money-less situation. I lied that I received a training allowance. I did not want her to worry. I did not want her to send me money because I fear she will just loan it from someone. I left and quit my dream of becoming a lawyer because I knew she could no longer sustain it. Despite the situation, she never complained about it.
Like most other families, mine was also not perfect. Both my parents are government employees and both receive a salary that can hardly provide a better living. My mother's quite cold and we rarely have a personal conversation. She's the typical stressed out wife, mother and career woman. Often, she blows her stress on me without caution which leads me to talk back and rebel. My Father on the other hand, was often assigned at distant places so he comes home once or twice a week only. He's a fun and loving father but unlike other fathers he wasn't very responsible. Some fathers would probably do everything to make their family's life easier and better (which I remember he was once like that) but I'm not sure what changed him. Sometime before, I wish he could be better but that was something I cannot impose. He is him! and I've learned to accept him that way. Sometimes, I also wish my mother was more warm and loving to my father but she was a bit cold. Perhaps, it was our economic situation that dragged both of them down. With all my effort to understand and analyze them, I've learned to accept my parents as they are until one day I thought to myself, I will decide my fate and I want us to have a better life. Thus, my decision to leave our town and set my adventure in Cebu.
Unfortunately after a month and half of my stay; and on the day that I got my first salary I found out that I was pregnant. I was pregnant with the man I've been in a relationship with for the past 5 years from that time. Unluckily, he feared that his mother will get mad at him and lose his right to any inheritance he might receive from his family. To cut the story short, He refused to take responsibility of the situation and hoped I won't tell anyone. His family belongs to the upper class and owned a university in our City and some schools from other towns. They own the biggest hospital in Mindanao, comparable to St. Luke's in Manila so I understood and didn't gave a fuss. I thought to myself, "He's a grown man (he was 28 at that time) and he should be able to decipher the best decision there is but if he is not willing to take responsibility and I impose the obligation and responsibility on him, he might just be remorseful and resent me". I would never get him to cooperate if it's against his free will. I would only harvest headache and heartache. So, I decided to leave him and let him be. It wasn't easy. I encouraged myself every day that "Life goes on, so I have to move on". I stood by my mantra and trusted everything to God. The only thing I had to do was work hard and everything will be taken cared of. I don't have friends to count on nor a family to watch over me. Equipped with my faith that God will help me, I went through my pregnancy alone.
I did not wallow over my pain. Practically, I need to think of more means to survive and make sure I had enough funds to pay for my pre-natal check-ups and hospital bills when I give birth. I had a huge responsibility and obligation to deal with.
Coupled with love and pain, I struggled and worked hard to support myself and the baby I was carrying. At the same time, I was excited all throughout that I made sure I tend to my pre-natal check-ups regularly, I take my vitamins, vaccines and whatever my doctor requires for my healthy pregnancy. I never asked any support from my parents. In fact, I refused to stop working when they asked me to go home because they were worried that I was pregnant and alone. I was determined to have a better life. Furthermore, it was impractical to quit my job since it was my only means to support myself and my baby. I need the benefits I will get from my company when I give birth. Although, there were moments that I wish I was home because it was so lonely. Then again, I consoled myself and thought of happy thoughts whenever I get sad. They said "the baby will feel what you feel and she will always carry the feeling when she grows up and she might become a sad person-with feelings of rejection if I kept on crying while she was still in my womb". So Instead, I tried to appreciate everything that surrounded me. I talked to her, let her listen to music and tell her that she meant the whole world to me. Every day, I asked her to be strong because she's my strength.
For nine months, I was on a night shift. I woke up 9 o'clock in the evening and walked from my rented room to the office for my 10:00 P.M. Shift. I never had any absences nor tardiness. I made sure my salary didn't have any unnecessary deductions. I volunteered when they needed agents to render an over time. I needed to save for me to afford an excellent doctor and a private hospital. I even saved some for my mother's expenses when I gave birth. I also saved some for the next 2 months that I will be on maternity leave. For me to be able to achieve this, I had to set aside Php 50.00 at most for my food every day. It wasn't that difficult though since vegetables only costs Php 5.oo per serving. But, I had to walk every day from my rented room to the office (It was a good exercise too.).
Then, the unexpected day came... It wasn't my delivery due date yet but my bag of water was raptured while I was on duty. I didn't know that was IT! Because it did not overflow like in the movie. I just pee'd every minute. After my shift, I went home and washed my clothes (I only had 2 clothes I wore alternatively ever other day). So I needed to wash them every time I came home from work. My back ached and without thinking I went to the hospital alone. After I told my doctor how I felt, she gave me an eye and asked me to lie down for an I.E. that hurt! Then, she told me I need to give birth that night. I called my mother and told her. She panicked and wanted to take the boat that night so she'd arrive in the morning. I, on the other hand just told her to chill and I'll just call her in the morning when its done. (Anyway, she still took the boat and sailed that night). I went home and gathered my things. I went back to the hospital and waited 'til I get admitted at the labor room. The doctors were so amazed of my pain tolerance I felt so proud. Actually, I didn't have enough sleep for the past 48 hours; So, I needed to conserve my energy and endure the pain so I would have strength to push during delivery.
12 M.N., the doctors brought me in to the delivery room. It was difficult to push my baby out because she's not helping herself. Then, I heard my doctor said that her heartbeat was going slow and she needed to get out soon. She asked me once more before she decides for a caesarian birth. I thought to myself Ï can't have a C.S that's too expensive! At the same time, I was scared and worried I cannot explain how I felt. I prayed to God for forgiveness and that I was willing not to breathe just to keep pushing so she comes out alive and safe. For the record, I gave that eternal ush! I thought I was about to die when they suddenly supported me with an oxygen. I wanted to get mad why they just placed the oxygen in my nostrils when they could have placed it earlier to help me breathe. I could have given the great push earlier that time and save energy.
Then, she came out with a loud cry that only stopped after they placed her on top of my heart. She was looking at me and my world changed. Tears fell off my cheek and I touched her. I could not remember how the pain felt. It was all gone in a second. All I could think of was her future and I want to give her the best I can.
My struggle didn't end there. I had to be apart from her. I left her with my mother since I have to work full time so I can support her. This time I had to work harder so I can share expenses with my mother aside from sending enough allowance for my daughter. I sent 80% of my earnings and had to keep a budget for my rental and Php 1000 for myself for the next 2 weeks or until next payday; sometimes if I had extra I get to keep Php1,500. I never cared how much was left for me so long as I was able to fulfill my goal of giving them a better living. Seeing them happy deleted the words "exhausted", "tired", "weary" and the like from the dictionary.
Four years later, she already needed to go to school. That was another challenge. I thought I should call her father to check if he was willing to support. At least, when she grows older she won't get mad at me for not asking her father to support her education. By God's grace, he actually offered the support and acknowledged her as her daughter and asked me to let her have his last name.
That same year, I was offered this job that I have right now. Although, I was very reluctant at first since I do not have any managerial experience; and worst of all, I'm not an engineer nor a mechanic. I could not fathom the faith and confidence entrusted on me. The only thing I could remember was my boss said he knows I can do it. With a deep sense of gratitude, I accepted the offer despite the counter offer my previous company placed on me. My resignation was not accepted until a month later. The management was upset for my hasty decision that I knew I won't have the chance to go back should I ever reapply. I let go of the career I previously so wanted, the Human Resource –Employee Relations Specialist. I accepted the unfamiliar where my tasks and responsibility are boundless that I am able to explore and discover more about myself. I'm constantly being honed and polished. My first several months were as horrible as a fraternity hazing initiation. It wasn't pleasurable but the struggle made it worthwhile.
Looking back at those moments, I felt fortunate to have those experiences. It brought me to self-introspect at all times. Realizing my weaknesses and knowing myself and tendencies at those desperate moments forced me to think out of the box and be strong. I also learned that aside from being strong, dedication, determination, endurance and perseverance were also key ingredients in achieving my goal. My goal was to provide a better life for my family. I wanted us to eat out, celebrate life and bond with each other because I love them and I want to see them happy. However, due to the economic challenge, time took this from us because it led my parents cold and stressed out. I wanted to change and resolve that so I took the challenge. I answered the call to lead and it was fuelled with love. Strength that comes from love is limitless and it endures all the tests.
One of Charles Bukowski's Inspiration for determination and dedication puts it:
"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is." -Charles Bukowski
My second learning or realization after finding out my unexpected pregnancy was that challenges come like an ambush and responsibility knocks on your door and you have no choice but to accept it at that instance. Cowardice is not an option if you want to become a better person. I made the right decision, when I decided to move on with my life and face my responsibility. Emotions often times obfuscate logical thinking so it pays to think outside of the box when the situation fails. I've also learned to be strong and not to succumb in despair to protect and preserve those who need me. I cannot control other people's reaction and their decision. I was upset about myself for this failure. Indeed, I thought of myself as a failure. Forgiveness, self-acceptance and acceptance of the events and reality that surrounded me enabled me to seek for opportunities to resolve and adapt to the challenge of my situation. I realized I should not give up my quest just because I failed. Failure was my test on how far do I want to go. I sacrificed the temptation of temporary relief when everyone told me to go home. I suffered pain and loneliness and I decided the other way to take responsibility and move on towards my goal. I've also learned patience and entrusting to God the things that I cannot control; it will eventually fall into place.
My third realization after I let go of the career I was thriving for was that sometimes, it takes a leap of faith for you to find out what's in store for you. Letting go doesn't mean an End. Sometimes you have to let go of things in order to give way for another opportunity with a greater purpose. Allowing my other dream to die gave birth for a new one where I'm empowered to lead and impart to my team learning and learn from my them as well. Most of my staff are undergraduates and some have not even attended high school but they are skilled. Being the educated one, I've learned the value of humility and respect regardless of education and social class (if there is). I did not regret my decision to take the offer. Being acknowledged as one of the foundation of the company's success thrives me to do more and be worthy.
In Relation to what we have learned about leadership,
"If you want to lead well, you must know yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses, your values. Second, you need to motivate yourself and other people with a real desire to excel and, most importantly, with goals that are bigger than a person's ego." The third key pillar is ingenuity, meaning that "only the people who are flexible and able to continually adapt to a changing world are the ones who can really lead effectively." And last, but not least, is love, which refers to "treating other people in a way that respects their dignity and tries to develop their potential,"-Chris Lowney.
Self-introspection and awareness enables one to think outside the box. Acceptance of once reality, abilities and weaknesses enables one to control his or her reaction. Thus, enabling one to adapt to the changing situation and see better opportunities to resolve problems instead of succumbing to despair. Mastering and leading one's self is the most difficult challenge each and every human being is confronted. One cannot lead if he is weak and cannot even lead himself. If a leader lacks self-awareness and concept as to how one perceives him/her courts alienation from his/her subordinates instead of making a team. Second, we lead by example. A grumpy and controlling leader creates a team of unmotivated people. One can only control one by arousing the interest and willingness from the other person. A good leader motivates his team to excel in their crafts through acknowledgement and value. Apart from "food" as every human being's basic need, is the person's need to feel Ïmportant.
If you sow love, humility, respect and value to your team you reap respect, loyalty and cooperation.
To conclude my lengthy reflection based from my experiences and what I have learned from the leadership class. In order for me to become a better leader is to share what I have learned and motivate my people to become leaders too. As I have mentioned previously, most of my staff have not been educated at school and some have not even gone to high school but that doesn't mean they cannot become leaders. I may not be able to teach them science, English, algebra or anything of the like but each and every one of us have an innate leadership quality awaiting to be tapped. With constant encouragement and empowerment and coaching I believe I'd be able to create and build a team of leaders aiming to become a better person and influencing others to become better persons too.
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