Reflection Paper 1 - Defining Moments by Leader Gage Rush

What were your defining moments?  What incidents or events taught you to be better/transformed you?

Off the top of my head, I've had four major defining moments of my life.

My first was my 4^th year of high-school. I have always been bullied, and acted a bit differently from others. The bullying, coupled with a sense of "me vs. them" and an inferiority complex, had the effect of harming my studies. I was first confronted with my emotional instability during this period, and it was the first time I had been exposed to the possibility that there was a lot wrong with me. I only managed to pass because my best friend had vowed not to leave me behind to repeat the year while he graduates. He helped tutor me so that I could pass through the skin of my teeth. Despite knowing that I had issues, I still carried on much as I had before. I was still anti-social, had a sense of self-importance, and never thought two steps ahead.

My second incident was during my college years in Manila. There was a time I requested a large amount of money for my 18^th birthday. I spent that money so fast and recklessly that I felt foolish and wasteful. It was at that point that I stopped asking so much from others, and I still suffer from a huge amount of buyer's remorse whenever I drop my guard and spend foolishly.

However, I still had not quite learned just how important it was to conserve your funds. I may have stopped spending needlessly, but I still was not careful with budgeting. I once spent too much just to add a little extra food to each of my meals during the week in my dorm. By Thursday, I realized I had run out of funds, and was starving. By some fortunate miracle, one of the dormers had a birthday party, and treated us to Hawaiian pizza and coke. I absolutely hate pineapple on pizza, and still do to this day, and coke for me back then was dull and a generic tasting soft drink. It was the best pizza I had ever eaten, and the soft drink was absolutely fantastic. Starving can put a lot of things into perspective. His generosity helped mitigate some of my plight until it was time for me to go home for the weekend. Out of all my siblings, I am very tight and careful with how my money gets spent. I still splurge on things I want from time to time, but I always think many many times before buying, and I always remember to avoid buying something if I feel it wasn't worth the cost.

My third incident was when I continued my college in Angeles City. I was doing poorly, and had long bouts of depression. I finally fell apart during my second year in HAU, and quit. I told my family I wanted to join the US Air Force, but though they were supportive of me, they knew I would never get accepted due to my weight. I instead was taken on as an assistant cook to my mom's friend who had run a restaurant in a hotel (I had a talent for kitchen work). Working under him put a LOT of things into perspective, and I quit, with my mom finally deciding to try once more with making me train under her to take over our business.

The fourth incident happened when during my training under her, she discovered I was goofing off. I was still depressed, and that affected my work. Rather than kicking me out of the house, she instead had an ultimatum: I would go back to HAU, and complete my studies. This was basically her telling me to go back and face my demons.

I had no intention of going back, but I had no other options. So I begrudgingly accepted that I'd have to go through my studies again. Amazingly, the second time around went heavily in my favor. All those months of doing number crunching work for my mom and being exposed to her world (business) gave me a perspective that worked perfectly with my second attempt to finish my course in business. Also, there was the fact that I played pen-and-paper RPGs with my nephew every weekend, which also involved a lot of math. Soon, rather than being weak in math, I excelled at it. Not only math, I could also view problems in 3 dimensions rather than 2, and could weigh options better. The increase in confidence helped me become less socially awkward, and I now had better relations with my teachers (Who were the only ones who could help me better understand a hard lesson). Since these new traits increased my efficiency, I suddenly could pass even the hardest subjects through the skin of my teeth. As a result, it was easy for me to finish my course and graduate.

Because of these incidents, I realized that you never quite stop growing and developing, and you should always assume there is more to learn. I see the world less as black and white, and more of a shade of grey. I never stop questioning myself, my assumptions, and what possibilities are out there and we just can't see it.

I'm still not quite there yet, as I still have many flaws that must be overcome. I know I've come a long way, but I also know that I still have a long way to go to be fully independent and functional in society. Those mistakes in my life were painful and traumatizing, but I managed to survive them, and learn from them. If I had clung to my failings, they would have eaten me from the inside out. If I had ignored them, I would have been stunted in my emotional and mental development. So instead, it is now my philosophy that mistakes are there to be learned from. A careful analysis and understanding of what caused you to make those mistakes and how they can be prevented is what helps you overcome those obstacles in the future.

Maybe one day I will be made to or asked to write another reflection paper much like this. But I can only guess what I'd have to say about myself by then. You can only ever truly judge yourself in hindsight.  4.