Prof,
Here is a better-worded version of my paper.
Thanks,
Leonard
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3, 4 and 8: A CONFUSION OF NUMBERS OR A COMPLEX PERSON?
People sometimes wonder why they are what they are, and much of this has to do with our own personalities. Some may oppose the idea that we can be quantified, neatly labeled, and put in shelves or boxes. But is this indeed a box that limits you, or a starting line for you to know where you are, so that you would eventually plot where you're going?
Those were some thoughts going through my mind as I took the enneagram test, which was one of several I've taken in my lifetime. There was a virtual tie, according to the test, showing that I was both type 3 and type 4 (an achiever / designer). However, exploring the website led me to a version of the test that would show my instinctual variant. I took it, and the result indeed somewhat varied: now I was a type 8 (challenger), but the scores were immediately followed by type 3 and 4.
GRADE SCHOOL & HIGH SCHOOL
I grew up with my grandparents, and as far as I could remember, competitiveness and academic accomplishment have always been emphasized to me by my grandmother, who was then a teacher. I was supposed to be enrolled in kindergarten, but my grandmother tried to get me to sit in with the first grade students. I read along with them, and after a few days, was accepted as a grade 1 student. In my first grade school, I was the youngest in the class, but also topped all their tests. My grade 1 teacher told me she remembered that I would ask to be excused in the middle of class so I could go out and play because I already finished my seatwork or read the story she assigned to us. I always got first honors in the first 3 grades, but during my 4th grade, I was transferred to the best public school in our city. I still stayed in the honor roll, but no longer was in the running for batch valedictorian. That somehow dampened my spirits a little, but my redemption of sorts came when I took and was part of only 250 students nationwide to pass the Philippine Science High School entrance examination.
No one else in my school, city or province, for that matter, made it to PSHS. I remember how proud my grandmother, and all my teachers, were of me. However, it wasn't all a bed of roses for me. Lack of diligence and personal issues that sapped my drive affected my studies. I was 11 years old when I entered high school, too immature in the ways of the world and too dependent on having a grandmother and yaya taking care of me, and being thrust in a new environment, where my support group wasn't there, and surrounded by many students who were the crème de la crème of their respective schools, was somewhat demoralizing and intimidating. Being a relatively small boy and living in a dormitory didn't help, and was worsened by two instances of bullying that left me crying on the phone, asking to be sent home to Mindanao. I was able to finish a couple of years, and because my grade was below the minimum required, I got kicked out and was transferred to a "normal" public school.
After the initial shock worn off, I found myself relatively comfortable in my new environment, where, as before, I could enjoy the status of being intellectually better than the rest. It was a big school, and our batch alone had 29 sections. I ended up helping some teachers by teaching in their class for extra grades (and to impress the opposite sex). Redemption for me came in 1990, when I not only topped the National College Entrance Exam (NCEE), but I also got into one of the most difficult quota courses in UP Diliman.
COLLEGE IN UP
My first course was BS Business Administration & Accountancy. This was probably an attempt to emulate my father, who was a CPA and an executive in Pilipinas Shell, and maybe somehow win his love, respect and attention. However, I've never been good at numbers, and after a couple of years, I had to shift courses after about a semester of floating around as a non-major. I ended up taking Public Administration.
In my first two years, I was somewhat religious, but I felt that those whom I called "brothers and sisters" were only superficially concerned about the welfare of their brethren. Real needs were answered by the somewhat pious-sounding-but-ultimately-meaningless assurances that "I'll pray for you." That wasn't enough. A need to belong, a need to be respected, and a need to have something I can be proud of led me to join a fraternity: one of the oldest, most well-known and well-connected ones from UP. The process was difficult and life-threatening, but I survived the ordeal, and the next week, with bruises and a limp to prove that I was tough, I was already hanging out in the fraternity tambayan.
Fraternities tend to uphold a degree of conformity among its members, even moreso if the group practiced rigid seniority. For a time as a member, I didn't quite fit in: my interests were similar, but I didn't find my niche until about 3 years later, when our head discovered that I could write well. My gifts, apparently, were still intellectually inclined, never mind the tough stance and rugged wear. I eventually got two meritorious service awards for my contributions to the fraternity.
Unfortunately, my lack of focus in school got me delayed in finishing my required subjects. Eventually, I got caught red-handed (with a nunchaku) in one of our fraternity fights. After a lengthy investigation, I eventually got expelled from UP.
FIRST JOB
I got a job, and for four years, enjoyed my work. I was fortunate to have a boss who guided me in both my career and my personal development. I still vividly remember his first task to me: to revise an outdated manual of procedures that our office followed. Three weeks after that, I turned in my draft, only to be called the following day and told that he expected me to produce corporate-level output, and not a measly college paper. That was the first time I cried because of work, but since then, I am proud to say that both my writing and speaking skills have improved significantly.
My first supervisory position gave me the chance to excel and be recognized at work, and because it was a pioneer division, I was not straightjacketed by too many rules. In fact, I was even part of the team that drafted our operating guidelines. However, not having a college degree complicated my stay: I could not get a regular position and be promoted. I could falsify documents, but that would simply be a sword of Damocles over my neck. I eventually decided to resign and go back to school.
GOING BACK TO COLLEGE
The university I transferred to accepted me, despite my lack of a certificate of good moral character, with a couple of conditions: that I would pass their entrance exam, and that I would do well in school. The first was easy: I topped it, and the chancellor offered a full scholarship to me. Since the tuition was quite cheap, and since taking the offer would mean that one more poor yet deserving student would get edged out, I declined the offer
At first it was depressing for me to be without a job, and in a school with no friends, no workmates and no girlfriend. That depression lasted for about a month, and evaporated when I realized what advantages I had: I knew much more than my classmates, had an allowance equal to the salary of most employees, and had my own apartment. It was my first time to live alone, and I could do whatever I wanted. I became active in campus politics, drawing around myself a small group of followers. Studies were practically effortless for me, and if not for the residency requirements, would have graduated with honors. I excelled as a way to validate myself before my eyes and the eyes of other people.
SECOND JOB, SECOND LIFE
I met my wife after a year in school. She was a nurse in a nearby hospital and we literally ran into each other in the hospital hallway. 8 months after that, and a couple of months before graduation, we got married. I eventually got a job in Cebu, thanks to the efforts of my former boss, and while life was really hard in the first few years (our first table was literally a huge box that came with a second-hand refrigerator we bought), eventually I got a regular position and a promotion. My first supervisory assignment was in Danao City, about 90 minutes away (more, given today's traffic) from Cebu City. We had a couple of children, spaced two years apart. After a couple of years, I was reassigned to Mandaue City, where we opened a new branch. I've been supervising this branch for the past 6 years. In the last two years, our office has been got an excellent rating in the Anti-Red Tape Act (ARTA) Survey of the Civil Service Commission.
RELATING THE NUMBERS & MY LIFE (A REFLECTION)
Type 3's are described as people who:
"need to be validated in order to feel worthy; they pursue success and want to be admired. They are frequently hard working, competitive and are highly focused in the pursuit of their goals.1"
This has come out repeatedly in my life, particularly when facing a test, or when a single goal is set before me. I've always relished competition when the incentive would give me a measure of recognition. It validated me in my eyes, and I felt, in the eyes of others. Maybe this was driven by a need to prove that even though I was a bastard child, I was as good as the rest. This insight is also supported by the personality type's description, which notes that:
" Threes can sometimes find intimacy difficult. Their need to be validated for their image often hides a deep sense of shame about who they really are, a shame they unconsciously fear will be unmasked if another gets too close. Threes are often generous and likable, but are difficult to really know. When unhealthy, their narcissism takes an ugly turn and they can become cold blooded and ruthless in the pursuit of their goals.2"
That for achievement, combined with the personality of being an identity-seeking individualist, were carried on after graduation and into work. When there were challenges that allowed me and my team to be recognized, I would work like a maniac to get everything prepared. I would always play to win and would not play if there was almost no chance of winning, or if the reward was not gratifying.
On the other hand, as a type 4, I was also"emotionally complex and highly sensitive. They long to be understood and appreciated for their authentic selves, but easily feel misunderstood and unappreciated... they are often somewhat moody or temperamental.3"
The negative side of my type 4 personality probably caused me to lose both achievements by not being able to focus on sustaining success. I can be moody and erratic, and probably, my insecurities about being an illegitimate child, about being poor, and the glaring contrast between my lack and the relative abundance of my half-sisters, contributed much to this.
Bringing them together, I was someone who desperately wanted to be understood and accepted for who I am, warts and all, and someone who also desperately wanted to impress others because I was smart and competent. This was a virtual treadmill and a source of much frustration. As the profile describes it:
"Fours are somewhat melancholic by disposition, and under stress tend to lapse into depression. They also tend to be self-absorbed, even under the best of circumstances, but when unbalanced, easily give way to a self-indulgence which they perceive as being fully justified as a way to compensate for the general lack of pleasure they experience in their lives. Rather than look for practical solutions to their difficulties, Fours are prone to fantasizing about a savior who will rescue them from their unhappiness.4"
As mentioned above, the alternate test also showed that I could also quite possibly be a type 8 as well:
"People of this personality type are essentially unwilling to be controlled, either by others or by their circumstances; they fully intend to be masters of their fate. Eights are strong willed, decisive, practical, tough minded and energetic. They also tend to be domineering; their unwillingness to be controlled by others frequently manifests in the need to control others instead.5"
In many instances, there was a virtual pendulum between my wanting to be accepted and validated because I was "good" or "smart" (type 3 and 4 manifestations) and my wanting to be "left alone to do things my way" (a type 8 characteristic). Or maybe, the message was, "I know what I am doing (type 3), and I need you to understand this (type 4). So now, knowing that, you can either follow my lead, or leave me alone (type 8)."
I have always been resentful of authority, preferring to do my own thing and be left alone until I was done. Maybe this was because I was an only child who was used to playing with my Lego alone, or was curling up in a corner with a good book in hand. What stood out to me in the exercise was the description that:
"while trust does not come easily to an Eight, when an Eight does take someone into theinner sanctum, they find a steadfast ally and stalwart friend. The Eight's powerful protective instincts are called into play when it comes to the defense of family and friends, and Eights are frequently generous to a fault in providing for those under their care.6"
My closest friends can attest to this: for those whom I care for the most, I would take risks, and be willing to kill or die for them. Maybe because of my emotional complexity, I felt that those who seemed to know me were people I could truly trust, and therefore worthy of my care. The other side to it was this: those whom I have previously trusted and found wanting deserve only my contempt, and if opportunity permits, my revenge. Vindictiveness has, unfortunately, been a constant struggle for me. I could not stand betrayal, and could not take it just sitting down. To have drawn you into my deepest confidence, where I have made myself vulnerable, is not something that comes easily to me, and to betray that trust is to earn my hatred.
Thankfully, God has enabled time, experiences and maturity to contribute much to my personal growth, as has being blessed with an unusually patient and loving wife, who understands my idiosyncrasies. Through the help of pastor, who is also my closest friend, I have learned how God can work on and through the worst of men, turning carbon into diamonds. I can relate with the apostle Paul, who wrote to Timothy, his disciple, that:
"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as
the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life."
(1 Timothy 1:15-16)
Reflecting on His Word, the Bible, has shown me of the long list of imperfect, fallible, weak, and sinful men He has worked on: Abraham, who lied about his wife, Moses, who was a coward and prone to bursts of anger, David, who was an adulterer and a murderer, Peter, who was reckless, impulsive, and who betrayed Christ, and Paul, who turned the murder of early Christians into a sport, and this list is only the start of it. I am not who I would want myself to be, but by the grace of God, I am who I am, and I look forward to when I will no longer be what I was, but be who He wants me to be. The results of the enneagram are not a box that define my future: they may describe my past, and help me to understand my personality, but they do not dictate who I will be.
REFERENCES:
2 ibid
4 ibid
6 ibid
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