Regis Cebu Leadership: Leader Izumi Yamashita, Reflection Paper #1 - Defining Moments

Regis Cebu Leadership

Leader Izumi G. Yamashita

Reflection Paper #1 - Defining Moments

As far as my first memory as a child can go, I've known myself to always have been a very sociable person. I've always been fond of approaching people, introducing myself, and making new friends.

I started school when I was four years old. I went to an exclusive private school where most of the kids were children of politicians, celebrities, executives, and other high profile individuals. Coming from a very simple family, one which cannot even be considered as middle class, I knew at a very young age how it felt to be intimidated, insecure, and envious.

In pre-school, I always had this cheap lunchbox with cheap crackers and tetra-packed juice drink, which I resented bringing out in class during breaks only to see the rest of the kids pulling out those chocolate drinks and chocolate Hello Panda biscuits I can only dream of. "We were that poor", I thought, and this was my very first defining moment.

Every year throughout grade school, my classmates would have those branded fancy new trollies, a new pair of Florsheim or Hush Puppies, a new Sanrio or Baby-G wristwatch which I'd die for at the time, a new pair of the latest Spice Girls model Skechers rubber shoes for P.E. classes, new school supplies (from pencils, to erasers, to crayons, to sharpeners, down to rulers), new sets of uniforms, and many other new stuff for each new school year.

I, on the other hand, had to wait years before I could replace my uniforms. My blouse would have to have shrunk, or I would have to have grown tall enough that my belly would literally show, or my jogging pants were the length of a capris pair, before I could actually get a new set of uniform. I would have to wait years before I could get a new pair of leather shoes and rubber shoes from Divisoria. I would have to wait until all my crayons and pencils were broken and down to half the normal length before I could get new ones. And I would always have to throw tantrums whenever my grandmother would tell me that all our things work perfectly well, and that there is no need to replace them or buy new ones.

As a kid, I just wanted to be like all the other students in school. I wanted to have what they have. I wanted to do what they do. I wanted to talk about the things they talk about. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to belong.

Perhaps because I didn't fit in or maybe because I tried too hard, I often got in trouble. I often got bullied in grade school not just by my classmates, but also by my teachers. My classmates made me feel how far off I was from them, while my teachers made it crystal clear how partial they were towards the "well-connected" kids and how favored they were.

Upon graduating elementary, I moved to a bigger school. I was anxious knowing that it would be a much crueler world considering how big a community the university was and how diverse the students would be. My natural sociable and friendly self, not to mention the people-pleasing skills I learned in grade school, helped me adjust in the new bigger world I found myself in. Perhaps also because it was a community I was more aptly fit (socially), I made new friends quite easily.

Perhaps having gone through the difficulties I had to endure in grade school trying to make friends, I've learned to value friendship so much and be very protective of them. I treated everyone as if they were my brothers and sisters and for that I often got in trouble too. Whenever any of my friends got into fights, I always take the front seat when it comes to "sorting things out". Whenever they need a hand, I'd always go out of my way, gladly go the extra mile, and offer both my arms. I was that kind of friend.

This was also so perhaps because it was outside my home, with my friends, that I knew how it felt like to have a family.

I was four when my mother left me with my grandparents. I was a Lolo's girl, but my grandfather passed away when I was six. My grandmother was left to care for me and my Aunt, my mom's only sister who's just eight months older than I am. Being the daughter, my aunt has always been favored by my grandmother. I clearly remember having always been cross-dressed to a boy (with a boy's cut mind you), while she always got to get dressed as a princess. My grandmother loved taking photos of us that way. I was four and it was superficial indeed, but feelings of envy and resentment started growing from here.

Growing up, my aunt was always the pretty one, the talented, the obedient, the respectful, the generous one, the saint. I, on the other hand, was the stubborn, hard-headed, and the rude one. I was the black-sheep. I thought it was all in my head, but our relatives acknowledge and see my grandmother playing favorites.

I grew up rebelling and found comfort in the presence of my friends. I reached the point of hating being home that I actually did everything I could to stay out, which of course pissed my grandmother all the more. She'd talk to our relatives about me and have often been told I wouldn't get anywhere and that I wouldn't amount to anything. The most painful thing ever said to me was through an anonymous text message saying: "Palibhasa kasi iniwanan ka ng nanay mo kaya ka patapon".

I found home outside my house with my friends, because with them I felt accepted. People saw me as being loved by many. People saw me as being happy. I was one of the "cooI" kids, which was important for me to cover up for my insecurities. Finally, I felt like I have a place where I actually belong.

Eventually, I entered college. I also had the same set of friends as we all went to the same university.

In college I had my first relationship. My then boyfriend and I were in an on-again-off-again relationship for four and a half years. His family did not approve of our relationship because of my background – that is, not having come from a normal family, my teenage rebellion, etc., and from their very mouths, because they too think I have no future and that I wouldn't get anywhere.

My boyfriend cheated on me several times and I was left devastated each and every time. I turned to friends for comfort, which eventually led me to learn how to drink a lot and smoke a lot. I started to get into fights, whether in school, in bars, or in clubs for and with my friends. At different points, I even almost dropped out of school. Herbal medication, I must say, was my lowest.

At these points in my life, I lost all sense of direction if I ever had any. We'd get back together each and every time we broke up and lasted over four years out of habit. We were unhealthy for each other, but stayed in the relationship nonetheless because we were similar in the sense that we needed someone to be with to be happy.

The last time he cheated on me, and the most painful one, was with one of my closest friends – one of the first few friends I had when I entered high school; one of those friends I literally got into fights for; and one of those friends I would always go the extra mile for. What's worse is that they both had to justify their inconceivable act of betrayal by turning everyone against me.

My then-boyfriend was naturally my go-to guy especially whenever I need to voice out something. I tell him everything in confidence knowing full-well that it was a partners' thing. Given the amount of time I spend with my friends, they often turn out to be our topic.

My close friend, on the other hand, was someone I trusted when it comes to my problems and other confidential things that my then boyfriend could not know of. To be specific, she was my partner in crime whenever I try to move on from my cheating then-boyfriend.

To cut the story short, my close friend told my boyfriend about the things I entrusted her with, which pissed my boyfriend off, thus prompting him to tell her things I talked to him about in confidence. Once their act of betrayal was out and everyone was quick to judge, they were quicker to do something about it to make their actions acceptable and actually turn the tables against me. They literally went around telling our friends, one by one, the things which my then-boyfriend and I used to talk about. Suddenly, everyone sees me as the monster. They reached the point of bullying me online, which was difficult for me then to take thinking that everyone knows I was part of this group, and I was his girlfriend for the longest time, then suddenly I was out the door.

As someone with an ego and pride as big as a comet, it was difficult for me swallow. What do other people think of me? Do they think I'm pathetic? A loser? Or are they happy with what's happening to me being once the proud cool bully that I was? Are they laughing at me now? Are they mocking me? For almost a year I was the talk of our batch circles publicly via social media. It was torture.

Dealing with a heart break from a failed relationship is one thing, but having to deal with losing every one of my friends whom I considered as family through my trying years is a totally different story.

At the same time all these things were happening, I was also having problems with my career and a worsening relationship with my family. Having been told so many times in the past that I wouldn't amount to anything, I grabbed the first job I was offered regardless of the task on hand, the career path, and the pay because I so badly wanted to show off and prove those people who judged me once that I can succeed. I was unhappy, but I had to stick up to it because I could not afford to show people how miserable I was. However, the more I was trying to swim in the miserable career situation I was in all the more I felt I was being sucked deep into the ground. I was imploding and it was resonating with my personal relationships, with my performance at work, and worst with myself.

I eventually did quit the job. Being the proud person that I was, I was confident enough with my skills and ability to get a new job in a snap. I was wrong. I was jobless for over half a year.

Among the things that I had to endure with all these, I think the most difficult reality I had to deal with at that time was the fact that the image I built for myself all those years was all gone. All of a sudden, I had nothing. All of a sudden, I had no one. All of a sudden I was no one. I was stripped off of everything. I was stripped off of my pride. I have never felt so small.

For months I couldn't sleep, eat, or do anything at all. Lost and devastated would not even begin to describe how I felt during those times. I was depressed to the point of turning suicidal. Those were the darkest days of my young life – my rock bottom.

This, by far, is my ultimate defining moment.

My grandmother saw me go through the whole ordeal and I saw how her heart was crushed to pieces every time she saw me cry, lock myself up, and stare blank then back to crying again. She was never the warm, caring, and sweet type of mother. She was tough and often employed physical means and piercing words to discipline us, which is why having her by my side during those trying times, actually trying to talk to me about what I'm going through, and for the first time ever, being the mother I never had was one of the things I consider as the greatest miracles that the whole ordeal brought me. My relationship with my grandmother was renewed.

She prayed for me and encouraged me to do the same. I used to resent and mock her for what I thought was her hypocritical display of religiosity. Growing up was difficult for me which is why it was easy for me renounce God and anything that has to do with Him. Through my lowest points, my grandmother reintroduced me to Him and I gave it a chance. The first time I went to Church again, I felt exhaustion. I felt tired of fighting back, of proving myself to everyone, and of pretending I am someone I'm not. I gave up. I gave everything up to Him and asked Him to carry me through everything as I no longer have the strength to carry on. Suddenly, I felt relief. I felt comforted. Every time I was weary, I just prayed and with no fail, He shows me the way. This for me was the other greatest miracle. My relationship with God was renewed. I learned how to live my life with Him as the center of it. With that alone, I was reborn as a person.

Through those years, I've always been dependent on people for my happiness and strength. It's funny and superficial (at least looking back now that I've matured) but when I lost everyone, I was worried about not being able to eat out anymore, or have drinks, or watch a movie, because I was too afraid to be seen alone and be thought of as lonely. I was indeed too proud so God must have done what He did to drag me back down to the ground to teach me the value of humility. From the ground I saw how badly I treated a lot of people.

One day, I chanced upon a revelation which changed my life forever – one of those hard impacting defining moments. By accident I found out that my Aunt, supposedly the only sister of my mom, the saint, and the person I hated to the core for being my grandmother's favored one despite her being extremely loving of me no matter how badly I treated her, is adopted. I confronted my mom hoping to hear some sort of denial, but to my surprise she confirmed it.

At 22 my mom and my dad badly wanted to conceive but they couldn't so they opted to adopt. My aunt's mother wanted to get rid of her so even as a premature baby born at seven months, she was handed in a shoe box with a light bulb to keep her warm and alive. One month with the baby, my mother found out she was pregnant with me so they had to make it appear that she's her sister. Ever since, whenever my grandmother would see those kids in teleseryes rebelling upon finding out they're adopted, she gets extremely sensitive and furious. She always says she doesn't understand why they would do such things and finds them ungrateful to the people who actually showered them with love, treated, raised, and cared for them like their own.

Suddenly I understood.  The reason my grandmother always showed more love to my aunt was because she needed it more. I have my family. She, on the other hand, was not wanted by hers. When the time comes that she finds out the truth, my grandmother probably didn't want her to think she wasn't loved, or wanted, or treated any differently and that in fact, she was given more. It all made sense. My aunt probably noticed too how differently we were treated so despite being of the same age, she was unusually understanding and patient of me. She always let me have my way showed me love and kindness no matter how cruel I was towards her. I've never felt so guilty and ashamed of myself. I realized how selfish and self-absorbed I was playing victim, and using it to rationalize my hurtful actions towards people just for the heck of it regardless of how they felt and what they themselves are going through.

With everything that happened, I just badly wanted to start over again. I was ashamed of the things I've done and everything I've become. I ran to Cebu literally to hide from everything and everyone. In Cebu, I didn't know anyone, the language, and the culture. Nobody knew me. Nobody knew my past, who I was, or how I was. Nobody could judge me. I literally disappeared from the radar of my social circles and I was invisible in the new place I found myself in. I was actually given the chance to start anew without the pressure of people watching me. Clean slate.

Someone once asked me, "How were you able to hold yourself through the whole ordeal and what exactly did you learn?"

With a smile, I was able to utter a pretty lengthy response, but hopefully one that's full of wisdom:

"I'd like to quote a few lines from the movie 'The Fight Club'. 'One day, if you really hit rock bottom, you will start losing hope. You will try to fix your life, but then nothing will work. And then it may happen that you lose hope – as many people do. At the moment you will stop giving a damn about what people think of you, and in general you won't give a s*** about BS, or anything else. You just won't give a damn. This is both good and bad. Bad because you gave up, and good because you will be free from social conditioning, you will be free to do anything, because you have nothing to lose.'

When I had nothing and no one, I had God. He became my source of strength and hope. I believe it was through Him that I learned to accept and love myself, and see things clearer from the eyes of a better person. I think the whole point of God letting me go through the whole experience is to teach me how it is to be alone and to actually appreciate it. I realized that I am capable and that I do not need anyone, but God in order to be happy. At the end of the day, it is between me and my Lord and that I cannot and should not depend on anyone but myself and Him. His plan was perfect. I had to be alone in order to come to terms with myself, love myself, and more importantly, learn how to love and be compassionate of others.

It is also in finding love for myself and for other people that I now always strive to become a better person – a better person who can share and give more whether through wisdom or knowledge, care or kindness, or any which way I can in order to make the world a better place. I found joy in doing good.

As Heraclitus once said, "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." From the whole ordeal, one of the many great lessons I was gifted with and one which I truly value is the ability to look at problems from a different perspective. I've learned to welcome challenges with an open heart and an open mind knowing full well that God is presenting them not to punish me, but in fact to try to teach me something. He is giving me the chance to become a better person with every trial that goes my way and with the comfort in knowing the fact the by the time I learn what He wants me to learn, is the time all my troubles will go away."

The lowest and darkest points in my life are all well in the past, but the lessons I gained are well ingrained. Now, I am more than grateful to have turned into this person who finds joy in giving and living for other people. The love and happiness that emanate from giving makes me all the more gratifying for going through everything I've been through because it is through it all that I have found a purpose driven life.